i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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