I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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