My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
