it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
