The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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