I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
