Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
