alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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