JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
