Apparently you make a good broom.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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