I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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