whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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