my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
