that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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