Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
