Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
