if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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