its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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