What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Randomize
