they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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