This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
