Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
