i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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