I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
