He asked to "fluff my boner.."
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
