She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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