omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
