So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
