Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
