Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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