i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I want a musical about memes.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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