just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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