i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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