Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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