First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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