someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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