so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
