Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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