MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
