So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
