is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
