Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
