Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize