just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
