I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
