I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
