she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
