I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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