Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
