My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
