ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
