I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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